However, when I put on a dress I instantly feel LESS feminine. Actually, let me correct myself: When I put on a dress, I instantly feel pretty awesome and powerful. But when I look in the mirror, I instantly feel less feminine. So I suppose it isn’t how I feel, but how I judge myself to look in a dress. Or heels. Or with long hair. As soon as I see myself in these things, I feel gross. Unattractive. Not sexy. If I really think about the root of this, it is because I see all these beautiful women in magazines or on the street rocking it and I can’t compare. I would never compare. I can’t get past the judgement of myself.
When I put on a button up and blazer with some tight pants, I feel sexy. I look in the mirror and for the most part feel awesome. I mean, I wish my legs weren’t as big, or my chest wasn’t as big, or whatever else I’m feeling that day. But I definitely feel more awesome in what is considered menswear than in a dress. Why is that?! I have no idea, but if I play shrink again, I think it has to do with how many times I’ve seen a woman in a dress to compare myself to versus how many times I’ve seen a woman in menswear to compare myself to. It is definitely less for menswear. Magazines and media and celebrities are slowly bringing menswear into the scene, but it's not seen as much as dresses, skirts, heels, gowns, etc.
So now, as I write this, I’m wondering what the word “feminine” really means to ME. Why is it important? Does it even need to be in my vocabulary? Does it matter? Maybe I need to step away from the idea of what is feminine and what is masculine when it comes to clothing. I mean, I’ve already done that in all other aspects of my life pretty much. I just have to get rid of the notion that as a female, I have to be “feminine.” Or really, just get away from the notion that I have to be anything that someone else dictates. Yeah! I need to do that.
But also what about this mirror situation I’m going through? This evil mirror is ruining my life! Really though, it's my reflection that’s ruining my life. But actually, it’s my brain. Damn brain, are you good for anything?!
Memories. They are good for memories. Emily, my perfect girlfriend, told me that on our wedding day I should have no mirrors in the room. That I shouldn’t see myself in a mirror at all that day. That I will have tons of people telling me I look flawless; that I will be so happy to be marrying her, that I won’t have time for mirrors anyway. And this way, I won’t doubt how I look. I will see how I look in photos later and I will only see how happy and elated I was. I will look at photos and remember that day being the best day of my life because I married her and not because of how I looked.
When she said that, I once again KNEW we were meant to be together. Thank you, Emily, for being the yin to my yang. Now that this brilliant thought is in my mind, maybe I need to live that way every day. Maybe I need to not look in the mirror as much, to try to get back to feeling the way I FEEL and not feeling the way I think I look. My homework to myself is to try to wean off the mirror; maybe wear what I feel good in for a while BEFORE looking in the mirror. Establish a relationship with my feelings and my clothes before I introduce my brain and my clothes.
So I am going to continue to wear whatever the heck I want. Whatever makes me FEEL good. If I want to wear a dress, I need to not look in the mirror and really work on not thinking I have to look a certain way in it. It's not going to be easy, but I will give it a go. I’ll let you know how it goes.